Get me the coaching job guys..............
Nov 25, 2002 10:23:11 GMT -5
Post by UberCranky on Nov 25, 2002 10:23:11 GMT -5
Come on guys, help me get the coaching job.
I will make those bastard, overpaid prima donnas work their tail off. They will start at 5 in the morning with a 5 mile run, followed by 16 ounce steak and egg breakfast followed but a rigorous 3 hours at the gym then it's off to the ice rink.
To get them use to checking I would bring out the Zamboni and they would have to check it right off the ice. And none of this love pats. 10 seconds to get it off the ice or 1000 laps. For light hearted entertainment they would have to go two rounds with the resident heavyweight champion. We are not talking Blouin here, we are talking Lennox Lewis for three rounds. 10 for the heavyweights on the team.
Discipline? A Prussian king wanted to show how much discipline his military had so he showed them off by having them march off a cliff. While I think it’s a great gesture, I believe it would be counter productive. After all the work I would put them through and then kill them? Too easy a way out. For discipline I would fit electric shock collars on all of them and if they were even a foot our of position then it would be Mr. Voltage for them. More mistakes, higher doses of Mr. Voltage. For those who have a perennial brain cramp, well those guys would get the Ball Buzzer. Do I need to explain? Me thinks that Traverse and Quintal would either learn or have this pained look on their face.
Body fat? That’s for old ladies and the coach. Anything above 3% body fat and they would have to run in front of a slow moving train. Carrying the trainer on their back. What? You think this is kindergarden?
Missed a scoring opportunity? Anybody who missed a goal would have to take a thousand shots from 20 feet into a 1 square foot target mounted 4 feet off the ground, if they missed they start over again. They would be allowed 3 minutes to tape up their blisters. No wimps here.
Injuries? Nothing a needle wouldn’t take care off. Only if they left a body part or two on the ice would they get a day off. Or at least as long as it took to stitch it back on. Crazy glue would do if there was a game the next night. In fact, anyone who ended the game without any blood on his shirt would be suspect for a “soft” game. Bonus for those who had three or more types of blood on their shirts.
Skating? If they couldn’t crack 30 mph, dragging a body bag of the player they crushed the night before then it would be extra sessions with Mr. Voltage. Any defenceman who was beaten on the outside got beaten. 30 lashes on the first error, 60 for the second, etc.
Payroll? What are you talking about? They would work for the greater glory of the Hab’s and their fans. The Hab fans would build an 100,000 seat arena and all would come infor free. Beer and hotdogs would flow like a river and would be paid by the opposing infidels. Any tributes made would go directly to the coach and no one else. Did I mention the special section for HabsRus posters? That's were scantily clad ladies look after my bro's needs. As for the players? What would they need money for? They no time for any pleasures, after all, hockey is a 365 day a year job. They only get ten minutes to get married and another 3 for sex. I am sure that it’s more then ample time, just ask Spiro.
I could go on but I do not want to divulge ALL my secret training methods. After all, my intent is to win the cup every year for the next 20 years or so. Nothing less would do for Hab fans. Nothing. As for the regular season, it’s not how many games you win but weather you win them by 10 or more goals.
So here is what I need you guys to do. Place your hands over your ears, squeeze your butt cheeks, close your eyes tight and repeat “HabsAddict for coach”. Repeat as often as it takes to flood Savard with telepathic e-mails. Bouncing your head of a semi hard object is optional.
Now, go to it………………
I will make those bastard, overpaid prima donnas work their tail off. They will start at 5 in the morning with a 5 mile run, followed by 16 ounce steak and egg breakfast followed but a rigorous 3 hours at the gym then it's off to the ice rink.
To get them use to checking I would bring out the Zamboni and they would have to check it right off the ice. And none of this love pats. 10 seconds to get it off the ice or 1000 laps. For light hearted entertainment they would have to go two rounds with the resident heavyweight champion. We are not talking Blouin here, we are talking Lennox Lewis for three rounds. 10 for the heavyweights on the team.
Discipline? A Prussian king wanted to show how much discipline his military had so he showed them off by having them march off a cliff. While I think it’s a great gesture, I believe it would be counter productive. After all the work I would put them through and then kill them? Too easy a way out. For discipline I would fit electric shock collars on all of them and if they were even a foot our of position then it would be Mr. Voltage for them. More mistakes, higher doses of Mr. Voltage. For those who have a perennial brain cramp, well those guys would get the Ball Buzzer. Do I need to explain? Me thinks that Traverse and Quintal would either learn or have this pained look on their face.
Body fat? That’s for old ladies and the coach. Anything above 3% body fat and they would have to run in front of a slow moving train. Carrying the trainer on their back. What? You think this is kindergarden?
Missed a scoring opportunity? Anybody who missed a goal would have to take a thousand shots from 20 feet into a 1 square foot target mounted 4 feet off the ground, if they missed they start over again. They would be allowed 3 minutes to tape up their blisters. No wimps here.
Injuries? Nothing a needle wouldn’t take care off. Only if they left a body part or two on the ice would they get a day off. Or at least as long as it took to stitch it back on. Crazy glue would do if there was a game the next night. In fact, anyone who ended the game without any blood on his shirt would be suspect for a “soft” game. Bonus for those who had three or more types of blood on their shirts.
Skating? If they couldn’t crack 30 mph, dragging a body bag of the player they crushed the night before then it would be extra sessions with Mr. Voltage. Any defenceman who was beaten on the outside got beaten. 30 lashes on the first error, 60 for the second, etc.
Payroll? What are you talking about? They would work for the greater glory of the Hab’s and their fans. The Hab fans would build an 100,000 seat arena and all would come infor free. Beer and hotdogs would flow like a river and would be paid by the opposing infidels. Any tributes made would go directly to the coach and no one else. Did I mention the special section for HabsRus posters? That's were scantily clad ladies look after my bro's needs. As for the players? What would they need money for? They no time for any pleasures, after all, hockey is a 365 day a year job. They only get ten minutes to get married and another 3 for sex. I am sure that it’s more then ample time, just ask Spiro.
I could go on but I do not want to divulge ALL my secret training methods. After all, my intent is to win the cup every year for the next 20 years or so. Nothing less would do for Hab fans. Nothing. As for the regular season, it’s not how many games you win but weather you win them by 10 or more goals.
So here is what I need you guys to do. Place your hands over your ears, squeeze your butt cheeks, close your eyes tight and repeat “HabsAddict for coach”. Repeat as often as it takes to flood Savard with telepathic e-mails. Bouncing your head of a semi hard object is optional.
Now, go to it………………