How thirsty?

[M. Beaux-Eaux]

My sister forwarded this one to me. It's been around for a long while but is always relevant. For all you Sufis and regular folks here it comes again:

A fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding
through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to
find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need
an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find
water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need.
Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother
won't let me in without a tie."

[Skilly]

Newfie Logic

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite
bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and
sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim
goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawn mower."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer.

[clear observer]

mrbozo said:

My sister forwarded this one to me. It's been around for a long while but is always relevant. For all you Sufis and regular folks here it comes again:

A fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding
through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to
find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need
an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find
water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need.
Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother
won't let me in without a tie."

Oh my....that was brilliant!

Thank you,
CO

[clear observer]

skilly said:

Newfie Logic

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite
bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and
sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim
goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawn mower."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer.

Equally as brilliant!

Thx,
CO

[insomnius]

MORE MORE MORE - I want more!!!

These are hysterical!!!

[M. Beaux-Eaux]

It seems that Hugh Gallagher wrote this for a national writing contest, and that an Urban Legend has since arisen that he wrote it as an actual application essay.

18 June 1998, update. Hugh Gallagher emailed me(!), and said: "I was happy to see my college essay on your site (by the the way, I did send it to colleges)". So that's that Urban Legend laid to rest, then? He also said "... and my first novel, Teeth, was published by Pocket Books this Spring. ... It's a coming of age tale about a guy with really messed up teeth, who goes travelling around the world instead of fixing his mouth." If it's told with anything like the style and wit of what follows, it should be great!

Hugh Gallagher's 'College Essay'

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[CentreHice]

Since I was raised Catholic.....I enjoy these standards.....right from the Dave Allen at Large files......


A priest gets reassigned to a remote northern parish in Canada. Nothing but snow and ice...

Two years later, the bishop decides to make the long trip north to pay him a visit.

He asks the priest, "So how are you managing, Father? It's so cold and bleak up here. Any problem keeping warm at night?"

The priest says, "I've got my scotch and my rosary....that's all I need, Your Eminence."

The bishop says, "Well, how about the seclusion? How are you handling the loneliness?"

The priest says, "I've got my scotch and my rosary....that's all I need."

The bishop says, "You keep mentioning scotch...I wouldn't mind a drink myself."

The priest says, "Oh certainly. (calling out) Rosary! Could you get the bishop some scotch please!"

[Cranky]

Toilet paper instructions
Whats dumb?
Instructions on toilet paper.

Whats even dumber?
Reading them.

Whats dumbest of all?
Realising you've been doing it wrong!

[Cranky]

Newfie farmer (For Skilly! LOL!)

A young journalism student at the University of Ontario was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to sc*** her."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to sc*** it."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost. They formed a posse and........,"

[franko]

A couple of buddies decided that their lives were boring and decided to "spice it up" by doing a week-long trek through the wilderness. Packing up, they left their wives behind, drove the one's 4x4 to a remote area and started to hike through in the wasteland. Just a couple of hours in one of them heard the other scream, turned around, and saw a snake latched on to his buddy's crotch.

After he pulverized the snake with a stick he found, he pulled out his cell phone (a wilderness adventure is one thing, not being able to contact civilization is stupid), dialed 9-11 and described the situation, keeping a close eye on his friend, writhing in agony on the ground.

"Did the snake have a triangular or a round head?" asked the emergency tech. "Triangular," said the friend. "Oh," said the tech.

"Listen carefully," said the tech. "To save your friend's life, you are going to have to pull off his pants. Then, you'll take a knife (you do have a knife with you, don't you?), carefully make a shallow "X" cut over the bite, and suck the venom out -- and make sure you get all the venom. Got that?"

"Ya, I got it. Thanks," he said as he ended the call.

"Well, what did they say?" asked the friend, gasping for breath as he lay on the ground.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"You're gonna die" was the reply.

[Skilly]

One day, a priest from Newfoundland decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The
fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofab**ch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofab**ch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
"Eminence, look at this big sonofab**ch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofab**ch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofab**ch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofab**ch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofab**ch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofab**ch tonight."


While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofab**ch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofab**ch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofab**ch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f#@!ers are all right.".

[CentreHice]

A 10-year-old boy comes home from school and hears moaning coming from his 21-year-old
sister's room.

She's under the covers, eyes closed, saying over and over, "I need a man....oh....I need a man!"

The next day, the boy comes home from school....and hears more moaning coming from his sister's room. However, this time a male voice joins in with hers.

The boy runs to his room, jumps under the covers, closes his eyes and moans, "I need a bike....oh....I need a bike!"

[M. Beaux-Eaux]

Yet another "George W. Bush is dumb" story has been taken up by those who like their caricatures drawn in stark, bold lines. According to scuttlebutt that emerged in the British press in July 2002, President Bush, Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair, and France's President Jacques Chirac were discussing economics and, in particular, the decline of the French economy. "The problem with the French," Bush afterwards confided in Blair, "is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

The source was Shirley Williams, also known as the Baroness Williams of Crosby, who claimed "my good friend Tony Blair" had recently regaled her with this anecdote in Brighton.

Lloyd Grove of The Washington Post was unable to reach Baroness Williams to gain her confirmation of the tale, but he did receive a call from Alastair Campbell, Blair's director of communications and strategy. "I can tell you that the prime minister never heard George Bush say that, and he certainly never told Shirley Williams that President Bush did say it," Campbell told The Post. "If she put this in a speech, it must have been a joke."

The main reference relied on by the Urban Legend web site for this entry, was:

Grove, Lloyd. "The Reliable Source." The Washington Post. 10 July 2002 (p. C3).

- www.artdiamondblog.com/archives/2006/12/bush_on_entrepr.html

[MC Habber]

This Macworld post isn't a joke, but it made me laugh:

lower caSe "S" key not working!!

Hey guyS,
I've got a Strange problem. Recently I've had the lowercaSe "S" key to Stop working properly aS you can tell from thiS poSt. Only holding down the Shift key and uSing the upper caSe "S" workS. Even with CapS Lock on it won't Show a upper caSe "S". One thing I have noticed iS when I boot up computer at login Screen, I'm able to uSe the lowercaSe "S", So I know it iSn't broken. PleaSe help aS I can't inStall any new programS due to my admin paSSword containing a lower caSe "S", not to mention it iS extremely irritating. ThankS for your expertiSe in advance.
David

[franko]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[franko]

A rather well-proportioned woman decided to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Jane asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

what, you want I should be serious all the time?

[Disgruntled70sHab]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just

HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."



The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.



Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to

escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to

satisfy her sexual urges.



You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bs-in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."

[clear observer]

disgruntled70shab said:

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just

HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."



The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.



Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to

escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to

satisfy her sexual urges.



You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bs-in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."

Loved it!

Thx

[Disgruntled70sHab]

One more: some of you already know this one. It's an old one but good one and can be found by googling it. Had it go around work a few years back. I remember I almost went into tears at one point.

The Writing Assignment
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca {last name deleted} and Garry {last name deleted}

English 44A SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

Students: Rebecca and Garry

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Rebecca:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Garry:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Garry:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor stupid Laurie.

Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Garry:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FRICKIN' TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

Rebecca:
GET SCREWED YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Garry:
GO DRINK SOME TEA AIR HEAD

Rebecca:
YOU'RE A TOTAL BASTARD!

Garry:
B*TCH!

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.

[franko]

disgruntled70shab said:

The Writing Assignment

[franko]

THE CALL

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Can you call Mummy to the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't realize that you'd taken out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'