All-Star Break Joke Thread

[franko]

slow day

Heard any new ones lately? Any old ones that haven't yet been posted?

A man had been suffering mind-numbing headaches for 20 years. Finally one day he couldn't take it any longer, and visited a doctor who said "I have good news and I have bad news for you."

"Give me the good news" says the man.

The doctor says, "I can cure you headaches."

"And the bad news?"

"We have to castrate you."

The man is distraught and leaves. Finally he comes to the conclusion that he can no longer go on living with the pain. So he goes through with the procedure.

Out of the hospital and on his way back home he feels better and worse: better because he feels no pain; worse because he feels less of a man. He tries to think of something that will make him feel better about himself; the best he can come up with is buying a new suit, so he goes to a tailor.

When he walks in he tell the tailor that he needs a new suit. The tailor looks at him and says, "16 and a half."

"What?", says the man. The tailor says, " I have been doing this my whole life and your neck size is a 16 and a half."

"Wow, you are right," says the man. Now with his new suit he decides that he wants a new pair of shoes. The tailor looks at him and says, "10 and a half."

"Wow, you are right," says the man, "How did you know?"

The tailor says, " I have been doing this my whole life and I have never been wrong."

So the man decides that all he needs now is a new pair of underwear.

"34", says the tailor.

"Ha, you are wrong, I wear a 32" says the man.

"No I am not, I have never been wrong. If you wore a 32 your testicles would press against your spinal cord and cause you terrible headaches."

[clear observer]

I'm sooo pissed off...I had two Toronto Maple Leafs tickets sitting in plain view on my car dashboard.




Some bastard broke my window and left two more.

[The New Guy]

As long as we're telling jokes - some Math ones:

What's purple and commutes? An Abelian Grape
What's green and topologically equivalent to the open unit interval? The Real Lime
What's non-orientable and lives in the ocean? Möbius Dick
What's sour, yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? Zorn's Lemon
What's the first derivative of a cow? Prime Rib

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.
"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13."

Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"
Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

[CrocRob]

A guy walked into a bar and said "You remeber how Stephen Harper said he'd never push a budget that was a deficit?"
The bartender said "Yeah, so?"
The guy replied, "well now he's pushing a proposal to accumulate $64 billion in debt over the next 2 years, and $100 billion over the next 5!"
The bartender replied in amazement "no way!"


Wait, were these supposed to be funny jokes?